Are You Scheduling Sex? The Experts Think You Should!

While drafting up a sex schedule may sound like it would take the element of spontaneity out of the encounter, scheduling sex is recommended by marriage and family therapists, as well as sex therapists.

Turns out it's less about passion and more about high-level logistics. Here is a story of how one couple, Sophie and Stu, tried to follow the experts' advice.

Sophie and Stu’s married life was a well-oiled machine of domestic efficiency. Their shared Google Calendar was a work of art, coordinating everything from the kids’ orthodontist appointments to the bi-weekly recycling bin battle. The only event missing was, well, The Event.

"It's like we're waiting for the spontaneity fairy to arrive, while Stu, currently locked in a wrestling match with a particularly stuck jar of pasta sauce, mumbled, "Just add it to the calendar. I'll accept the invite."

And so, it began…

A new, brightly colored event popped up on their shared schedule, Operation X - High Priority Do Not Decline

• Time: Wednesday, 9:00 PM – 9:30 PM (Bi-weekly, Recurring)

• Location: TBA - Changes fortnightly, this week BEDROOM

• Description: Maintenance. All outstanding housework and daily tasks must be paused for 30 mins. Be on time, come prepared.

The day of "Operation X" arrived with the same trepidation as a quarterly performance review. Stu, a man who takes all calendar invites seriously, sent a reminder text at 8:00 PM:

Stu: RE: 9 PM meeting. Just confirming I'm still on track for the deliverable. Do you require any pre-meeting materials?

    Reply

Sophie: Roger that. I’ve pre-selected the smart bulb mood lighting to 'Tuscan Sunset.' Please refrain from flipping the main switch and ruining the ambiance. And don’t forget the LUBE!!!.

At 8:58 PM, Gary burst into the bedroom, breathing heavily. "Sorry I'm late! Little Joshie needed a hug because he couldn't find his favorite sock. I'm clocking in now. Initiate 'Tuscan Sunset.'"

It’s fine, Sophie sighed, we have 22 minutes left on the clock. Shall we proceed with the agenda? I was thinking we start with Item A: The Mandatory Cuddle, then move onto Item B… 

It was, objectively, the most unspontaneous, bureaucratic, and awkwardly planned half-hour of their sex lives. But as they lay there afterwards, Sophie rested her head on his chest.

"Well," she said. "That was a circuit breaker for sure. 8:30 PM next Wednesday, then?"

THE BENEFITS

Many couples who've been together for a while stop having sex because they don't make time for it.  Other activities seem more pressing, like taking care of chores or tackling extra work. And by the time partners get to bed, they're often exhausted. Often we would rather sleep than have sex.  By scheduling sex, you're helping to ensure that sex and intimacy are a regular, reliable part of your relationship.

Improves communication

Planning sex requires communication, which can lead to open conversations about your desires and fantasies. Whether you opt to experiment with date night cards or try out different types of massages, you'll have a project to work on together that's fun and sharing.

Boosts intimacy

It might not sound spontaneous and steamy, but scheduling sex can bring you closer. When you plan sex and play, you're saying, "I want to be closer to you. You're important to me." You're showing your commitment to each other and the relationship, you're making your relationship a priority.

Builds anticipation

Knowing you'll be having sex can help keep erotic, sensual thoughts top of mind. You'll look forward to the mini adventures to come, and can even add to that anticipation by sending one another sexy texts or teasing one another throughout the day. Together, you can create the mental headspace for sexual possibilities.

How To Schedule Sex Without Feeling Weird

Some couples feel that setting a sexual schedule lacks romance or will destroy spontaneity. But instead of giving in to if-only thoughts, embrace a positive mindset and give it a go! Here are some top-tier tips for how to schedule sex (without being totally weird about it).

1. Suggest the idea

Introducing the concept in a relaxed way. Say, "Hey, what do you think about planning some special us time?" or "I would love to find a consistent time to spend sexy time together."

2. Add sex to your calendars

Pick a time when you both have energy, and that's likely not right before you go to sleep. Maybe it's after work or on a lazy weekend morning. If need be, compromise choosing a better time for yourself one week and your partner the next, recommends Dr. Sanford. Then add these dates to both of your calendars. Treat these sessions as seriously as you would a work meeting or a close friend's birthday party.

3. Set the scene

With sex planned, you have time to prepare. That morning, make the bed, clean up clutter and secretly put on underwear your partner loves. A few hours later, send them sexy texts to build anticipation. Right before the scheduled time, dim the lights and maybe light a few candles.

4. Be flexible

If a scheduling conflict comes up, don't sweat it. Just reschedule your date. Then, when you're together, feel free to use your time for all types of sensual activities.  Sometimes you might have great sex and sometimes you might only cuddle and talk. Both are pleasurable. Connect in ways that feel good for both of you, whether it's discussing fantasies, showering together or giving each other massages.

5. Experiment

Remember that scheduling sex will be a work in progress. Commit to trying the approach for at least three months. Over time, you can tweak the method in a way that works for you and your partner. For instance, instead of having a set weekly time (like Wednesday evenings), you might decide to pick a new window each Sunday night.